Navigating an uncharted path of self -reliance and trusting the unknown.
In 2022, I faced the death of a dream, a family, a perfect picture. Strangely, for the first time, I wasn't scared of the concept of death anymore. My previous experiences from loss contributed to embracing endings as an equally important and potentially valuable part of life. Facing this specific ending, I learned to trust the unknown and myself without anything physical to cling on to.
The Magic Dark
The in-between moment when you end a cycle, but right before you enter the new one, is beautifully referred to as "The Magic Dark." This is the moment where nothing is clear to move on, you're in the dark and stripped from "the knowing". It's the moment to surrender the mind, let intuition take the lead and practice letting go of what used to be for new magic and possibilities to re-enter your life.
I love how the universe seems to reward bravery, like a silver lining weaving magical sparks of light through the cloak of darkness, grief, and endings.
When I started looking for a new place, everyone around me shared their fears with me. How the housing market is oversaturated and how the profile of a "single freelancing mom" is far from the ideal candidate to find housing. For the first time, in such a clear way, I could identify this fear as not my own. I asked them kindly to have faith with me, the way I, without any proof of succes, had in myself and the outcome. I have to add their fear was well-grounded with my history of not easily finding secure housing. I decided it was time to break from fear and go with my gut feeling of trust and bravery. By doing so, I broke my housing cycle and miraculously manifested my dream home out of nothingness. A lesson of trust and surrender I will forever extract finding trust from.
The first months in the new home, I slept for hours and hours, taking time to rest after being in a constant state of stress and survival. There were nights that brought tears and uncertainty, but also a soft and deep whisper of bravery and resilience. Recharging was necessary for the second part of my healing journey — the confrontation of facing myself in a new way. This included navigating patterns, outgrown beliefs, and taking accountability for myself. When we grief, it's easy to fall into the claws of victimhood, the ego. It's equally easy to name down all the things someone did wrong to spiral us further in the role of victimhood. When we focus only on ourselves and take full responsibility of the change we want to see in ourselves, every ending can be an invitation to a liberating new beginning.
"No external forces can cure a wound that needs to heal from within"
Soesja Leugs
Putting Back the Pieces
I've been broken before, but I've never had to grieve while having the responsibility of a child. Neither have I healed the ending of a relationship while co-parenting with the person I'm still healing from. There is no "We'll see each other whenever we're ready for it." It was however the most ego-less experience I had to endure. Always having my eyes on the bigger picture, that is my son and the unity he deserves in his modern family. I'm deeply grateful for the example my mom set when it comes to co-parenting. She never spoke a bad word about my dad. We celebrated Christmas together by her invitation even after he found a new partner. Finally, in the way she informally cared for him when his life was near ending. I remember asking her how she did what she did back then. She told me her from of love for him might have changed, but it didn't take away the quantity. Proving it's our framed believe of love that is limited, not love itself.
Healing Journey
To get to this egoless level of love, I knew I first had to fill my own cup again. Whenever I fearlessly opened myself towards change, life brings me the tools to manage whatever comes my way. Divine timing send me on my Brainspotting journey and gave me the opportunity to join Eva Dixon's online empowering mentorship program. This was a time of self-reflection, taking responsibility, and committing to myself in a conscious way. I needed to become my own muse and prioritize loving myself first and foremost to achieve my goal. Which ultimately was giving myself the love I've always longed for. In the process, I realized how I've never made myself the highest priority. How being whole had nothing to do with anything outside of myself. How everything flows from a state of self(-love).
"You could be the master of your fate. You could be the captain of your soul.
But you have to realize that life is coming from within you and not at you."
- Thimothee Chalamet
Looking back on this particular ending, I am now more whole than I've ever been. I found beautiful pieces of myself I never knew before. I don't refer to myself as single or solo, but as more together than ever. Life showed me again, how endings, change and the death of something is an invitation to something "more". In this specific case, more of myself and the infinite and rich universe that hides within.
Photography by Georgina Abreu & Art Direction by Novèmbre
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